


Jason Todd has joined the chat

by UniverseInk



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Autistic Damian Wayne, Autistic Tim Drake, Batfamily (DCU), Don't copy to another site, Humor, Nonbinary Duke Thomas, Nonbinary Kon-El | Conner Kent, Nonbinary Wally West, Trans Barbara Gordon, Trans Dick Grayson, Trans Jason Todd, Trans Tim Drake, chatfic, will add tags as needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 60
Words: 13,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25689529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UniverseInk/pseuds/UniverseInk
Summary: Jason Todd has joined the chatJason Todd: Okay who the fuck remote accessed my phonecoffee gremlin: you were ignoring my texts so im publicly shaming you
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Wally West, Roy Harper/Koriand'r/Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown/Cassandra Cain, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent
Comments: 1092
Kudos: 1535
Collections: the batman family





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am once again writing a chatfic to try and establish a daily writing practice. Chapters will probably all be short, since this is essentially a warmup. I'll add tags as they come up, and any applicable trigger warnings will be in the notes of each chapter 
> 
> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**Jason Todd has joined the chat**

Jason Todd: Okay who the fuck remote accessed my phone

coffee gremlin: you were ignoring my texts so im publicly shaming you

Jason Todd: Fuck off

Dickiebird: jason!

Dickiebird: please dont leave the chat again 

Jason Todd: Fuck you

**Jason Todd has left the chat**

Dickiebird: :(

murderbird: I don’t know why you insist on Todd remaining in this chat when he so clearly wants no part in it

murderbird: Good riddance, honestly

Dickiebird: dami be nice

murderbird: No

**Jason Todd has joined the chat**

Jason Todd: Heard you were talking shit

coffee gremlin: what the fuck

Son meta allowed: i figured that would work

Dickiebird: what would work?

Son meta allowed: sending jason a screenshot of damian insulting him

Jason Todd: Congrats, I’m joining this chat out of spite now

coffee gremlin: valid

**Dickiebird changed Jason Todd’s nickname to Little Wing**

Little Wing: Nope

**Little Wing changed their nickname to I lived bitch**

I lived bitch: There

Favorite child: little brother :)

I lived bitch: Cass I’m like a foot taller than you

Favorite child: younger

I lived bitch: _Barely_

Favorite child: little brother

Favorite child: accept it

Batdad: Be nice to your sister, Jason

I lived bitch: I _am_ being nice! 

I lived bitch: Fuck you

Son meta allowed: well cass definitely lives up to her chat name

Favorite child : :3c

**I lived bitch changed the chat name to I hate this fucking family**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Favorite child: emo  
> I lived bitch: Cass stop insulting me, you’re the only one I can’t threaten

**I hate this fucking family**

coffee gremlin: who taught the demon brat what ‘redheaded stepchild’ means

Son meta allowed: why?

coffee gremlin: because he just fucking called me that!

Dickiebird: ignore him hes in a bad mood cause jon bailed on him 

murderbird: That is untrue

Dickiebird: sure it is 

Dickiebird: anyway isnt jason literally the redheaded stepchild

Son meta allowed: harsh dude

Dickiebird: no i just mean cause hes a redhead

coffee gremlin: ...

coffee gremlin: no hes not???

murderbird: Grayson is something wrong with your eyes?

Favorite child: has black hair

Favorite child: not what redhead is?

Dickiebird: guys he dyes his hair

Son meta allowed: “several people are typing” lmao

coffee gremlin: @I lived bitch what the fuck you dye your hair

I lived bitch: …

I lived bitch: @Dickiebird say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole

Batdad: I can’t believe I have to say this, but DO NOT kneecap your brother

I lived bitch: Snitches get stitches

Dickiebird: try it and ill sic damian on you

Batdad: Honestly I’m surprised you’ve kept it dyed all this time

I lived bitch: Maybe I just like how it looks

Favorite child: emo

I lived bitch: Cass stop insulting me, you’re the only one I can’t threaten

Son meta allowed: okay but why her

I lived bitch: She could kick my ass in her sleep

I lived bitch: And I’m not ashamed to admit it cause she could kick all our asses

coffee gremlin: thats true

Dickebird: cass youre doing amazing sweetie

murderbird: I will admit that I am grateful we are not enemies

Favorite child: :D

Favorite child: love you too <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Son meta allowed: youre still a nerd tho  
> Son meta allowed: you read shakespeare of your own free will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird/The Superior Batman  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird/Babybat

**I hate this fucking family**

coffee gremlin: im on my way

coffee gremlin: also if bart eats all the snacks before i get there im killing his character

Son meta allowed: uh what

coffee gremlin: ah shit wrong chat

Dickiebird: dnd night?

coffee gremlin: yep

I lived bitch: Nerd

Dickiebird: oh like you can talk

Dickiebird: i distinctly remember you playing dnd with some of the og titans 

coffee gremlin: oh how the turntables

I lived bitch: Nope

I lived bitch: Don’t remember it, didn’t happen 

Son meta allowed: youre still a nerd tho

Son meta allowed: you read shakespeare of your own free will

I lived bitch: This is why I didn’t want to be in the chat you assholes

I lived bitch: You’re all so mean to me

Batdad: Well, maybe if you visited home more often your siblings could tease you in person like they do each other

Son meta allowed: damn 

Dickiebird: wow b that was surprisingly petty of you

murderbird: Father, why are you encouraging Todd to spend more time at the manor?

murderbird: It is quite peaceful without his interference

coffee gremlin: you tried to stab me yesterday

murderbird: Irrelevant

I lived bitch: Okay you know what?

I lived bitch: I’m going to visit more _just_ to piss you off

**Babybat**

There, I have successfully baited Todd into visiting

Are you satisfied?

****

**The Superior Batman,**

yep!

thanks dami


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: dont hurt spot!  
> Dickiebird: you named your attack roomba spot?  
> coffee gremlin: what of it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**I hate this fucking family**

Batdad: @everyone who taped a knife to a roomba and set it loose?

murderbird: It was not me, I have been hiding from the infernal contraption all morning

murderbird: It is out for blood

Dickiebird: @coffee gremlin 

Dickiebird: did you sic a roomba on damian

coffee gremlin: i plead the fifth

Batdad: Tim

coffee gremlin: also if i did he definitely deserved it

Son meta allowed: is the roomba programmed to only go after damian or do i need to be worried

coffee gremlin: nah youre safe

coffee gremlin: you havent tried to kill me

Son meta allowed: now im worried for a different reason

murderbird: Drake, cease these childish antics!

murderbird: I have long since abandoned my attempts to assassinate you

Son meta allowed: what the _fuck_

Batdad: Tim, shut down the roomba or I will be forced to dispose of it

coffee gremlin: no!

coffee gremlin: dont hurt spot!

Dickiebird: you named your attack roomba spot?

coffee gremlin: what of it

I lived bitch: I finally decide to visit you fuckers and what do I get?

I lived bitch: A welcome-home stab from a _fucking roomba_

coffee gremlin: atta boy spot

Son meta allowed: jesus christ how many people in this family have tried to kill you

Batdad: Last warning, Tim

coffee gremlin: ugh fine i will reprogram spot

coffee gremlin: so that he only attacks to defend me

Batdad: Good enough

**Son meta allowed renamed the chat This house is a fucking nightmare**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tim can have a little petty revenge, as a treat


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: i dont have a favorite!  
> Dickiebird: i love all my siblings equally  
> coffee gremlin: mmhmm sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: okay we all know cass is b’s favorite but who is everyone elses 

Son meta allowed: dick is damians favorite

murderbird: That is correct

Dickiebird: awww dami!

Dickiebird: <3

Son meta allowed: damian is also dicks fave

Dickiebird: i dont have a favorite!

Dickiebird: i love all my siblings equally

coffee gremlin: mmhmm sure

Favorite child: tim is my favorite :)

coffee gremlin: i have been blessed holy shit

I lived bitch: Duke’s my favorite

Son meta allowed: really???

I lived bitch: You’re the only one in this family with any fucking brain cells

I lived bitch: Plus you have good taste in authors

Son meta allowed: oh man

Son meta allowed: thanks?

I lived bitch: Yw

coffee gremlin: okay but duke whos your fave

Son meta allowed: aunt kate

Dickiebird: valid tbh

I lived bitch: Wow, good to know I’m no one’s favorite

Batdad: You’re Alfred’s favorite

I lived bitch: …

I lived bitch: Ah

Dickiebird: jay?

I lived bitch: this is roy

I lived bitch: jay is crying

Dickiebird: roy!!!

Batdad: Why is Jason crying?

I lived bitch: happy tears

murderbird: Understandable

murderbird: Being named Pennyworth’s favorite is an honor he would do well to appreciate

coffee gremlin: for once i agree with the brat

Favorite child: alfred is best dad


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: why do people keep asking who would win between batman and superman specifically  
> Dickiebird: and never ask who would win between the bats and the supers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tags: Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent, Trans Tim Drake, Trans Jason Todd, Trans Dick Grayson, Nonbinary Kon-El | Conner Kent
> 
> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Dickiebird: why do people keep asking who would win between batman and superman specifically

Dickiebird: and never ask who would win between the bats and the supers

murderbird: Because we have the numbers advantage and would crush them

Favorite child: easy

Son meta allowed: i mean yeah but why would we even fight them

I lived bitch: Bragging rights

coffee gremlin: hang on

**coffee gremlin added Conner Kent to the chat**

Conner Kent: youre right but you shouldnt say it

**Conner Kent has left the chat**

Dickiebird: akijvbpdoinfgj

I lived bitch: Did you really add your boyfriend to the chat just to meme at us?

coffee gremlin: kon isnt my boyfriend

coffee gremlin: theyre not a boy

I lived bitch: Did not know that, sorry

coffee gremlin: good

coffee gremlin: if youd been misgendering them on purpose i would be forced to take extreme measures

I lived bitch: Nah fuck that

I lived bitch: I know how much it sucks to be misgendered, I’m not gonna do it to someone else

coffee gremlin: oh mood

Dickiebird: oh mood

I lived bitch: Anyway, back to the topic of us kicking the Supers’ asses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I'm shocked it took me this long to start including trans headcanons


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lived bitch: How did you get banned from climbing on light fixtures?  
> Dickiebird: you know that chandelier in the main foyer  
> I lived bitch: There isn’t one?  
> Dickiebird: exactly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Batmango, for giving me the idea for this in the comments
> 
> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Batdad: @murderbird where are you?

murderbird: You’ll never find me

coffee gremlin: hes on the chandelier in the third floor parlor

murderbird: Drake, you filthy traitor

murderbird: I trusted you!

coffee gremlin: idk why 

coffee gremlin: i never promised not to tell

Batdad: Damian, get down from there

murderbird: No

Dickiebird: omw

Batdad: Dick, you’re still banned from climbing on any light fixtures in the manor

Dickiebird: aw cmon b that was over a decade ago

Batdad: Yes, and you’ve only gotten bigger since then

Batdad: Besides, it’s Alfred’s rule, not mine

I lived bitch: How did you get banned from climbing on light fixtures?

Dickiebird: you know that chandelier in the main foyer

I lived bitch: There isn’t one?

Dickiebird: exactly

Son meta allowed: does anyone even know why damians on the chandelier in the first place

Batdad: Titus had to go to the vet and get shots

Batdad: He hated it, and Damian holds me personally responsible

Son meta allowed: oh so hes just sulking 

murderbird: I am not sulking!

murderbird: I am trying to process my emotions without the interference of you imbeciles! 

Dickiebird: im so proud <3

coffee gremlin: well now i feel like a jerk

coffee gremlin: i can suggest seven alternate hiding spots in the manor that only alfred and i know about 

murderbird: That is acceptable recompense 

Favorite child: i know them too :3

Favorite child: i know all

coffee gremlin: hmm

coffee gremlin: terrifying

Favorite child: >:3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Favorite child: love you jason  
> I lived bitch: Stop making me feel emotions you assholes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tags: Trans Barbara Gordon
> 
> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

I lived bitch: @Batdad if I legally re-alive myself will you pay for my top surgery?

Batdad: Yes

I lived bitch: Fuck yeah

Batdad: Call Barbara, she can help you out

Batdad: We’ll need a cover story for the general public

Dickiebird: amnesia

Dickiebird: he spent years living a different life only to suddenly remember his life here

Dickiebird: our family is weird enough for people to buy it

coffee gremlin: you realize youll have spend time with us in public now right

I lived bitch: I mean

I lived bitch: Worth it to get these fuckers removed

coffee gremlin: oh mood

Dickiebird: can confirm definitely worth it

Son meta allowed: congrats dude

Favorite child: welcome back :)

murderbird: Yes, I suppose congratulations are in order

murderbird: Grayson will be pleased, at the very least

I lived bitch: Right cause you definitely don’t care about me

murderbird: Correct

murderbird: Glad we understand each other

Favorite child: silly

Favorite child: love you jason

I lived bitch: Stop making me feel emotions you assholes

I lived bitch: I love you too Cass

Favorite child : :D

**Barbara Gordon has entered the chat**

Barbara Gordon: I heard my tech expert was required

Dickiebird: hi babs!

Barbara Gordon: Hey Dick

Dickiebird: you need to perform internet necromancy on my brother

Barbara Gordon: God finally

I lived bitch: Wow okay then

Barbara Gordon: Shut it, you know I’ve been wanting to do this

Barbara Gordon: What finally changed your mind?

I lived bitch: Titty removal is hard to come by when you’re dead

Barbara Gordon: Ah that makes sense then

I lived bitch: B’s paying for it

Barbara Gordon: Like how he pays for my hrt and pretends he has no idea who it was

Batdad: I‘m not sure what you mean, Barbara

Barabara Gordon: Mmhmm sure B

I lived bitch: Nah I just asked him and he said yes

Barbara Gordon: Damn, actual communication

Barbara Gordon: Progress in the Wayne household

Dickiebird: lmao right

Barbara Gordon: Anyway I’m gonna go resurrect Jason ttyl

**Barbara Gordon has left that chat**

Batdad: She knows she can stay in this chat right?

Dickiebird: i mean 

Dickibird: she can get into it whenever she wants

coffee gremlin: she has a program that lets her lurk in the chat without technically being in it

Batdad: I don’t know why I’m surprised

Diciebird: you taught her well lmao


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lived bitch: The Joker should go fuck himself with a rusty crowbar  
> Son meta allowed: seconded  
> I lived bitch: This is why you’re my favorite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't supposed to be angsty, but here we are -_-
> 
> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

I lived bitch: The Joker should go fuck himself with a rusty crowbar

Son meta allowed: seconded

I lived bitch: This is why you’re my favorite

Dickiebird: bastard shouldve stayed dead

I lived bitch: Excuse me

I lived bitch: What do you mean _stayed_ dead?

Dickiebird: wait no one told you

Dickiebird: ah fuck

I lived bitch: _Told me what_

coffee gremlin: dick beat the joker to death cause he kidnapped and threatened to kill me

Dickiebird: i lost control

Dickiebird: all i could think was that i wasnt going to lose another little brother to that _fucking_ clown

I lived bitch: … 

I lived bitch: Hang on

Son meta allowed: are you having an existential crisis

I lived bitch: _Maybe_

murderbird: I know I’m not supposed to condone killing

murderbird: But good job, Grayson

Favorite child: agreed

I lived bitch: So when I was half out of my mind with rage

I lived bitch: And tearing Gotham apart because Bruce wouldn’t avenge me

I lived bitch: No one thought to tell me that _Dick already had_

coffee gremlin: i mean

coffee gremlin: he was only dead for a little bit

Dickiebird: he was resuscitated on scene

I lived bitch: … 

I lived bitch: Of course he was

Dickiebird: you okay little wing?

I lived bitch: I’m gonna go find Roy and we’re gonna shoot some stuff

I lived bitch: I’ll feel better after that

Dickiebird: <3

I lived bitch: … 

I lived bitch: <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> murderbird: uwu  
> coffee gremlin: thanks i hate it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for this chapter is another one from the lovely Batmango
> 
> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

murderbird: hi!

coffee gremlin: what the fuck

I lived bitch: What 

Son meta allowed: uhhhhh

coffee gremlin: was damian replaced by an alternate universe version of himself thats not all murdery

murderbird: no!!!!

murderbird: its jon!

I lived bitch: Oh thank god

Dickiebird: hey jon

Dickiebird: why do you have damians phone?

murderbird: he cheated at mario kart so i stole it :p

Son meta allowed: i feel like thats not gonna end well

coffee gremlin: probably not

Dickiebird: nah dami actually likes jon

murderbird: :D

Favorite child: adorable

murderbird: uwu

coffee gremlin: thanks i hate it

murderbird: adjovnbdf;jg]]]]]]]]]]]

Son meta allowed: you okay?

murderbird: Do not peddle lies, Grayson

murderbird: Jon is tolerable at best

Dickiebird: mmhmm

Dickiebird: thats why youre spending the night at his house playing mario kart huh?

murderbird: He was irritatingly persistent 

coffee gremlin: [Image: Jon and Damian sitting on a couch in their pajamas, game controllers in hand. Damian is grinning triumphantly while Jon pouts. Despite having a whole couch, they’re crowded into the middle together]

coffee gremlin: sounds fake but okay

murderbird: Where did you get this????

coffee gremlin: im dating jons older sibling you idiot

murderbird: It appears I have a Kryptonian to murder 

coffee gremlin: oh no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my personal headcanon that Jon started using owo faces to mess with Damian, but now he just uses them all the time


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> murderbird: This is unnecessary, there is hardly any point to celebrating a day that simply marks the anniversary of one’s birth  
> coffee gremlin: you survived another trip around the Hell Orb  
> I lived bitch: You managed to cling to the face of a tiny rock screaming through space for another year, what’s not to celebrate  
> Batdad: Could you two not get existential on me today?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Damian!
> 
> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Dickiebird: happy birthday dami!!!!

Batdad: Happy Birthday, Damian

Son meta allowed: oh shit happy bday

murderbird: This is unnecessary, there is hardly any point to celebrating a day that simply marks the anniversary of one’s birth

coffee gremlin: you survived another trip around the Hell Orb

I lived bitch: You managed to cling to the face of a tiny rock screaming through space for another year, what’s not to celebrate

Batdad: Could you two not get existential on me today?

I lived bitch: No

coffee gremlin: no

Favorite child: happy birthday :D

Dickiebird: i have a present for you

Batdad: I swear to god, Dick, if it’s another animal I’m going to scream

Dickiebird: its not

murderbird: Hmph

Son meta allowed: wait how old are you anyway

Dickiebird: hes 14!

Son meta allowed: huh

Son meta allowed: i thought you were younger

coffee gremlin: pfft

Son meta allowed: its not my fault hes tiny

I lived bitch: Oh my god I’m dying

Dickiebird: not again

I lived bitch: … 

I lived bitch: Suddenly I have more respect for you as a person

Dickiebird: :)

Dickiebird: anyway im here with your present @murderbird

Favorite child: [Video transcript: An aerial shot of Dick and Damian standing in the foyer. Dick hands Damian a gift bag, which he pulls the tissue paper out of. In the bag is a fuzzy red stuffed animal. 

“Is this Goliath?” Damian asks.

“Yep.” Dick grins, and Damian launches himself at his brother, wrapping him into a hug.]

Son meta allowed: oh man thats cute

coffee gremlin: i think my heart just grew three sizes

Favorite child: :)

murderbird: His name is Goliath Jr.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lived bitch: Clone  
> Conner Kent: zombie  
> I lived bitch: …   
> I lived bitch: Listen here you little shit, I’m trying to give you a shovel talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

**Conner Kent has joined the chat**

coffee gremlin: uh how did you get into this chat

Conner Kent: i have??? no idea???

murderbird: I requested that Gordon add you so we could talk

coffee gremlin: oh no

I lived bitch: Oh yes!

I lived bitch: Clone

Conner Kent: zombie

I lived bitch: … 

I lived bitch: Listen here you little shit, I’m trying to give you a shovel talk

Conner Kent: you shot me with a kryptonite bullet so you could go beat tim half to death

Conner Kent: i dont think im the one who needs a shovel talk

Dickiebird: lmao

I lived bitch: Whatever, this was that brat’s idea anyway

coffee gremlin: uh didnt he just threaten to kill kon for taking a picture of him and jon

Conner Kent: also like

Conner Kent: same problem as jason, hes tried to kill tim before

Favorite child: i trust you not to hurt tim :)

Favorite child: do not betray me :)

Conner Kent: ah great thanks 

Conner Kent: babe ily but your family is terrifying

**Conner Kent has left the chat**

coffee gremlin: i hate all of you

Favorite child: nope <3

coffee gremlin: fine i hate all of you but cass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shovel talks are bullshit tbh


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: yeah alright i dont want to be awake anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you by me sending the birds with arms video to my family chat a few weeks ago
> 
> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: Birds With Human Arms

coffee gremlin: [Video transcript: clips of several birds hopping or flying around, edited to have human arms instead of wings]

I lived bitch: Go the fuck to sleep

coffee gremlin: no

murderbird: How dare you 

murderbird: Birds are perfect as they are, you heathen

Dickiebird: i like that thats your problem with this lmao

Favorite child: :/

Son meta allowed: idk i thought it was funny

coffee gremlin: wait no youre supposed to be the normal one

Son meta allowed: normal goes out the window when you join the bats tbh

Batdad: Tim, please get some sleep

coffee gremlin: you cant make me

Batdad: Alfred can, and you know he will

coffee gremlin: … 

coffee gremlin: fine

Son meta allowed: wait hang on i have another bird with human arms for you

Son meta allowed: [Image description: A picture of Tim in his Red Robin costume with the glider wings]

coffee gremlin: yeah alright i dont want to be awake anymore

Dickiebird: LMAO


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lived bitch: I’m so glad I got that off my chest  
> Dickiebird: ah yes  
> Dickiebird: the obligatory post top surgery joke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the documents for my legal name/gender change yesterday! I am now _legally_ a man. Enjoy this very trans chapter in celebration 
> 
> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

I lived bitch: I just have to say

I lived bitch: I’m so glad I got that off my chest

Dickiebird: ah yes

Dickiebird: the obligatory post top surgery joke 

Batdad: You got your bandages off today, right Jason?

I lived bitch: Yep

Dickiebird: he cried

Dickiebird: i took a video

I lived bitch: No shit I cried, I’ve waited years for this

coffee gremlin: congrats

coffee gremlin: im extremely jealous

Favorite child: send picture!

I lived bitch: [Image description: Jason sitting in an exam room. He’s shirtless, and grinning down at his bare chest. It’s flat, with two partially healed incisions along the underside of his pecs]

Batdad: You look great, Jay

Son meta allowed: congrats

Son meta allowed: you look so happy

murderbird: Grayson has told me how much this surgery meant to him

murderbird: Hopefully you will experience the same relief he did

Favorite child: happy for you :)

Dickiebird: congrats hes crying again 

I lived bitch: I think I liked it better when we were all emotionally repressed assholes

Favorite child: dont lie

Favorite child: love us <3

I lived bitch: Unfortunately, I do

I lived bitch: Btw I’m never wearing a shirt again

Dickiebird: oh mood

coffee gremlin: i just texted steph saying i couldnt wait until i could walk around shirtless

coffee gremlin: she replied “me too, free the nipple”

Dickiebird: sjkiflvbydgbiuj

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: that exchange between Tim and Steph is from my sister and I before I got top surgery


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: is it too late to be unadopted  
> Batdad: Yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: is it too late to be unadopted

Batdad: Yes

Dickiebird: lmao

Batdad: Why do you ask?

coffee gremlin: jason just mentioned slam poetry and i no longer want to be related to him

I lived bitch: Fuck you

I lived bitch: You should be supporting my hobbies and interests

murderbird: What is slam poetry?

murderbird: Is it violent?

Dickiebird: no dami its just a form of spoken word poetry

I lived bitch: Actually, it’s a poetry event where poets compete for scores based off both composition and performance

I lived bitch: And I’m trying to get Duke to go to one, so stop being rude 

Son meta allowed: no ive been to slams before

Son meta allowed: youre trying to get me to sign up which is a whole different thing

Favorite child: you write poetry?

Son meta allowed: a little

Favorite child: read to me!

Favorite child: good audience :)

coffee gremlin: thats true shes a good listener

Son meta allowed: um okay

Favorite child: :D

coffee gremlin: i guess i have to like slam poetry now

I lived bitch: Oh I see how it is

coffee gremlin: :p

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Duke's canonically a writer, so I'm projecting onto him by having him be into slam poetry (and yes, I have competed in slams)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: sjfibvuogihlfgsfg im dying  
> murderbird: Is that one of your comedic exaggerations or do I need to come save you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know I just updated
> 
> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

I lived bitch: Whomst the fuck drew a cat mouth on my helmet

Dickiebird: skpuivbdsghvtuig

I lived bitch: You little shit, what the fuck

Dickiebird: it wasnt me!!!

I lived bitch: Likely story

coffee gremlin: damians the artsy one

coffee gremlin: ask him

I lived bitch: @murderbird did you draw on my fucking helmet

murderbird: No

murderbird: I would not besmirch the honor of cats by creating a reproduction of one out of something as awful as your headwear

Dickiebird: sjfibvuogihlfgsfg im dying

murderbird: Is that one of your comedic exaggerations or do I need to come save you?

Dickiebird: im fine dami, just laughing

murderbird: Regardless, as Drake was the one to single me out, I must conclude that he was attempting to direct suspicion away from himself

I lived bitch: Replacement

coffee gremlin: you dont scare me anymore

coffee gremlin: ive seen you cry while reading jane austen novels

I lived bitch: You’re just too dead inside to appreciate good literature

coffee gremlin: probably

coffee gremlin: i didnt draw on your helmet tho

I lived bitch: Then who the fuck did!!!!

Batdad: Can’t you just clean it off?

I lived bitch: That’s not the point!!!!!!!!

Son meta allowed: are you okay jason

I lived bitch: Duke, do you know who drew on my helmet?

coffee gremlin: oh so hes not a suspect

I lived bitch: He’s actually nice to me, asshole

Dickiebird: cmon jay it was just a prank

I lived bitch: I’m checking the security footage

I lived bitch: … 

Dickiebird: what

Favorite child: :3

Son meta allowed: :3

I lived bitch: I hate this fucking family


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: anyway  
> Dickiebird: discowing was a good costume youre all just straight  
> I lived bitch: _You take that back_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

I lived bitch: Saw an old picture of Discowing, time to shame Dick for his life choices

Son meta allowed: whats discowing

I lived bitch: Holy shit

I lived bitch: You don’t know what Discowing is?

Dickiebird: dont be a bitch jay

I lived bitch: Too late

coffee gremlin: discowing was an early version of the nightwing costume

coffee gremlin: it had a disturbingly low v neck

Dickiebird: id literally just had top surgery idk what else you expected

murderbird: I’ve seen pictures of this costume, it was highly undignified

Dickiebird: dami!

Favorite child: fun costume :)

Dickiebird: thank you cass!

Batdad: It was pretty outlandish

Dickiebird: shut up you emo furry

coffee gremlin: pfft

I lived bitch: Oh my god 

Dickiebird: anyway

Dickiebird: discowing was a good costume youre all just straight

I lived bitch: _You take that back_

Dickiebird: :p

Son meta allowed: okay tim showed me a picture

Son meta allowed: i actually like it

coffee gremlin: traitor

Son meta allowed: im not the one who modeled a costume off a duck

coffee gremlin: _i was depressed_

Dickiebird: youre always depressed

coffee gremlin: thanks its the depression 

Favorite child: love you tim <3

coffee gremlin: ah

coffee gremlin: my depression has been magically cured <3

Favorite child: :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh I like most of the costumes ppl trash talk (the Drake suit is actually terrible tho)


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: bitchard  
> Dickiebird: what  
> coffee gremlin: …  
> coffee gremlin: you actually respond to that huh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tags: Cass/Steph, Dick/Wally, Nonbinary Wally West 
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to the two (2) people who messaged me today saying this is one of their favorite fics 
> 
> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: bitchard

Dickiebird: what

coffee gremlin: … 

coffee gremlin: you actually respond to that huh

Dickiebird: blame jason

coffee gremlin: i usually do

I lived bitch: Wow thanks :/

**Barbara Gordon added Stephanie Brown to the chat**

Stephanie Brown: cant believe you losers made a family chat without me

Batdad: I don’t remember adopting you

Stephanie Brown: but are you absolutely certain you didnt

Batdad: … 

Favorite child: babe <3

Stephanie Brown: hmm i dont like my joke anymore

Stephanie Brown: hi babe <3

coffee gremlin: you can be the sister in law

Favorite child: yes :)

Stephanie Brown: nice

**Stephanie Brown changed their nickname to Bat in law**

Dickiebird: okay by that logic we should add wally

Batdad: Dick, you know I love you and support your choice of partner

Batdad: But please don’t add em to this chat

Dickiebird: >:(

Batdad: Ey already spams the Justice League chat with memes, I don’t need that here too

Bat in law: wow dicks marrying a fucking memer

Dickiebird: you dont get to talk you dated tim

Bat in law: i traded up

Favorite child: <3

coffee gremlin: i would say rude but tbh youre right

coffee gremlin: kon just read that over my shoulder and told me to be nicer to myself

Dickiebird: theyre right and they should say it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wally uses ey/em/eirs pronouns
> 
> Also, to be explicitly clear, batcest shippers dni


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: fucking up transphobes is a family bonding activity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: @I lived bitch

coffee gremlin: theoretically speaking how does one hire an assassin

I lived bitch: You tell me who you want dead and why

I lived bitch: And if it’s a good enough reason I kill them for free

Batdad: I’m going to pretend I think you’re joking

I lived bitch: Thank you

coffee gremlin: had to meet with some people from the drake industries board of directors

coffee gremlin: one of them kept “accidentally” misgendering me and saying hes just not used to my pronouns

coffee gremlin: like bitch ive been out for five years!!! youve had time to adjust!!!

Batdad: Give me a name, he’ll be unemployed by the end of the week

I lived bitch: Lmao

coffee gremlin: ill email you his personnel file

Batdad: Email it to Barbara too, I’m sure she’d love to help

Bat in law: wow this is actually wholesome

Dickiebird: fucking up transphobes is a family bonding activity

murderbird: We do not tolerate that sort of disrespect

Bat in law: awwwwwww 

Bat in law: protective baby bro

murderbird: Do not patronize me

Bat in law: lmao

Dickiebird: one time at a gala some asshole made a “joke” about me not having a dick

Dickiebird: dami almost stabbed him

murderbird: I would have gone through with it had we not been in a public venue 

Dickiebird: love you too <3

Son meta allowed: damians love language is stabbing people for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only so long you can be "adjusting" to a trans person's pronouns before it becomes clear that you aren't really trying *side eyes various extended family members*


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> murderbird: Congratulations on surviving this long  
> murderbird: With one notable exception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Jason Todd!
> 
> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Dickiebird: @I lived bitch

Dickiebird: happy birthday jay!

Favorite child: happy birthday!!! <3

coffee gremlin: hap birth

Bat in law: borth

Son meta allowed: happy birthday

Batdad: Happy birthday, Jason

I lived bitch: Thank you

murderbird: Congratulations on surviving this long

murderbird: With one notable exception 

I lived bitch: sjkvbdpsidbnlsfgjkn _holy fuck_

Dickiebird: dami :(

I lived bitch: No shut up Dick the kid finally made a joke

Son meta allowed: you have the weirdest sense of humor

I lived bitch: Thank you

coffee gremlin: if you dont laugh at your trauma you have to face up with the horrifying realization that you are deeply broken inside

Bat in law: oh mood

Son meta allowed: or you could just like

Son meta allowed: get therapy

Dickiebird: _or_ you could beat up criminals in costume

Batdad: Can we have _one_ birthday in this family where my children don’t try to give me an existential crisis?

Favorite child: no :)

Dickiebird: anyway jay do you have anything planned for today

I lived bitch: Me, Roy, and Kori are gonna hang out later

Dickiebird: say hi to them for me!

I lived bitch: You have a phone, just text them yourself

Dickiebird: not the point jay :p

coffee gremlin: tell your boyfriend i have the prototypes of the new trick arrows he was asking for ready

I lived bitch: Roy isn’t my boyfriend

coffee gremlin: okay so tell your not-a-boyfriend i have his shit

I lived bitch: We’re not dating

Dickiebird: youre kind of dating

Favorite child: makes you happy :)

I lived bitch: Shush


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Son meta allowed: on todays episode of weird shit ive heard since moving in  
> Son meta allowed: “bite me” “...” “ _not literally_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Son meta allowed: on todays episode of weird shit ive heard since moving in

Son meta allowed: “bite me” “...” “ _not literally_ ”

Batdad: Who did Damian bite this time?

Bat in law: sioudvpniudbngkjbn;f

Son meta allowed: it was definitely jasons voice

Dickiebird: in damis defense jay should know better by now

murderbird: Why do you all assume it was me?

Son meta allowed: its kind of your thing

Favorite child: bitey

murderbird: Regardless, it wasn’t me this time

Batdad: Then who?

I lived bitch: _Tim just fucking bit me_

Dickiebird: lmao theres your answer

Batdad: @coffee gremlin why did you bite Jason?

coffee gremlin: idk im sleep deprived

coffee gremlin: seemed like a good idea at the time

Favorite child: told you to sleep >:(

coffee gremlin: unfortunately my brain disagreed

Batdad: Tim, how long have you been awake?

coffee gremlin: dont ask questions you dont want answered b

Batdad: _Tim_

Bat in law: ah so he does the Bat Voice™ over text too

Dickiebird: skoidvbdhosfgljh

coffee gremlin: how long does it take to start hallucinating from sleep deprivation?

murderbird: 72 hours

coffee gremlin: wow you answered that fast

coffee gremlin: anyway its been less than that im p sure

Bat in law: you dont know?

coffee gremlin: time is fake and so is gender

Dickiebird: oh mood

Batdad: I’m sending Alfred your way

coffee gremlin: ah fuck no i dont want to deal with his disappointed grandpa look

Batdad: If you took care of yourself, you wouldn’t have to 

I lived bitch: You deserve this you little shit

coffee gremlin: i dont think you get to judge me

Son meta allowed: he does have a point

I lived bitch: Et tu Brute?

coffee gremlin: I have confiscated Master Timothy’s phone and computers, please do not disturb him until he wakes

Batdad: Thank you, Alfred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sleep deprivation makes you do some weird shit


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: idk why ppl are always so shocked when i make puns  
> Dickiebird: im a trans guy named dick what did they expect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm qualified to make jokes about trans people with unusual names because I, myself, am a trans person with an unusual name
> 
> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Dickiebird: idk why ppl are always so shocked when i make puns

Dickiebird: im a trans guy named dick what did they expect

Bat in law: _oh my god_

coffee gremlin: thats a good point tbh

Bat in law: okay but why did u pick that name

Dickiebird: richard is a family name

Dickiebird: and 8yr old me thought going by dick was hilarious

I lived bitch: 27-year-old you still thinks that

Dickiebird: true

Bat in law: @Batdad u didnt try to stop him?

Batdad: 1. It’s not my place to decide what name he uses

Batdad: 2. This was before I took him in

Dickiebird: you know your dad is supportive when he doesnt question your naming choices

coffee gremlin: even when they are pretty questionable

Dickiebird: :p

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to a potential family health crisis, updates to my fics will probably slow down and/or stop for a bit. If I know for sure that I'm going to be taking a break I'll keep you updated, but for now just be patient with me


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: i mean he did technically say i couldnt add you  
> Wally West: cant believe my own father in law hates me :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tag: Roy Harper/Koriand'r/Jason Todd
> 
> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

**Dickiebird added Wally West to the chat**

Batdad: I may not be able to ban you from the JLA chat for spamming memes, but I will not hesitate to do so here

Wally West: wow thx i feel so welcome

Dickiebird: i mean he did technically say i couldnt add you

Wally West: cant believe my own father in law hates me :/

**I lived bitch changed Wally West’s nickname to Redheaded stepchild**

Dickiebird: are you still salty about that jay

I lived bitch: yes

Redheaded stepchild: i mean im not really stepchild

coffee gremlin: and steph isnt a sister in law yet but here we are

Bat in law: yet lmao

Favorite child: yes :)

Batdad: No one else in this family is getting engaged any time soon

Batdad: Not until after Dick’s wedding is over

I lived bitch: Don’t tell me what to do old man

Dickiebird: jay dont propose to roy just to spite b

I lived bitch: Who said I was proposing to Roy?

I lived bitch: Maybe I’m proposing to Kori

Dickiebird: what

Bat in law: i smell family drama

I lived bitch: I’m dating your ex

coffee gremlin: what happened to your not-a-boyfriend roy

I lived bitch: Oh, I’m dating him too

I lived bitch: It’s called polyamory, moron

Dickiebird: hmmm

Dickiebird: im gonna go climb on something and process my emotions

coffee gremlin: well we know where damian gets it from


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lived bitch: Okay bottom  
> Dickiebird : >:O

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Son meta allowed: [Image description: a blurry photograph of Nightwing leaping from one rooftop to another. White text on the image reads “Blüdhaven’s favorite cryptid”. End image description]

Dickiebird: sknv;upiag;buhpskgj;fb;

I lived bitch: Okay bottom

Dickiebird : >:O

Batdad: Jason, don’t call your brother a bottom

I lived bitch: I’ll stop when it stops being true

Redheaded stepchild: guess you have to stop then

Dickiebird: _babe_

coffee gremlin: … 

Bat in law: … 

Son meta allowed: … 

Favorite child: … 

I lived bitch: I hate this

Batdad: You do realize it’s your own fault, right?

I lived bitch: Shut your fuck

murderbird: What on _earth_ are you all talking about?

Redheaded stepchild: oh no

Dickiebird: uh

coffee gremlin: its a sex thing damian

murderbird: Ah

murderbird: Nevermind then

Dickiebird: ???

coffee gremlin: hes like 12

coffee gremlin: he still thinks kissing is gross 

murderbird: I am thirteen

murderbird: And I do not understand the appeal of putting your mouth on someone else’s 

Dickiebird: you will eventually

Batdad: Or never

Batdad: That works too

Bat in law: lmao 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: funny how that kid will threaten to stab most of his family  
> coffee gremlin: but doesnt tolerate waking up a cat  
> Son meta allowed: small kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Favorite child: @murderbird please get cat alfred

I lived bitch: Cat Alfred lmao

murderbird: Where is he?

Favorite child: on lap

Favorite child: need to get up

Dickiebird: sorry you live there now

murderbird: Do not move until I get there

coffee gremlin: funny how that kid will threaten to stab most of his family

coffee gremlin: but doesnt tolerate waking up a cat

Son meta allowed: small kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day

Dickiebird: kdiugbvpsdfijb

Favorite child: free!

Favorite child: [Image description: Damian is standing in the living room, cradling Alfred the cat in his arms like a baby. Alfred’s paw is on Damian’s face, and he’s smiling down at him. End image description]

Dickiebird: _awwwwwwww_

Son meta allowed: thats adorable

Bat in law: wow he actually looks like a kid for once

coffee gremlin: just watched b change his phone background to that

Bat in law: what was it before tho

coffee gremlin: photo of duke and jason

coffee gremlin: i think they mightve been reenacting a play or smth

I lived bitch: He really does care lmao

**Barbara Gordon has entered the chat**

Barbara Gordon: He changes his phone background roughly every two weeks

Barbara Gordon: Always to a different pic of his kids

**Barbara Gordon has left the chat**

Batdad: … 

Redheaded stepchild: wait how did she do that

coffee gremlin: shes oracle

Redheaded stepchild: okay fair enough 


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: okay but why does bart think damis my kid  
> Redheaded stepchild: his argument is basically that being the robin to your batman overrules being bruces bio kid  
> coffee gremlin: i mean  
> coffee gremlin: hes not exactly wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Redheaded stepchild: someone please tell bart that me marrying dick doesnt make damian my stepson

Son meta allowed: wouldnt you be his sibling-in-law tho

Redheaded stepchild: _yes_

coffee gremlin: dont try to convince him otherwise itll just make him keep thinking about it and youll never hear the end of it

Redheaded stepchild: so your advice is ignore him until he goes away

coffee gremlin: or give him something else to think about

coffee gremlin: i kept my crush on kon from him for three months by asking him if poptarts count as ravioli

Son meta allowed: that worked for 3 months?

coffee gremlin: well he asked the whole team and it turned into a Thing

Dickiebird: okay but why does bart think damis my kid

Redheaded stepchild: his argument is basically that being the robin to your batman overrules being bruces bio kid

coffee gremlin: i mean

coffee gremlin: hes not exactly wrong

Son meta allowed: but now bruce is batman again so that doesnt make sense

Redheaded stepchild: i never said it did

Dickiebird: @murderbird hey help us solve this

murderbird: What?

Dickiebird: scroll up

murderbird: I do not see how marrying Grayson would make West my step parent, as he is no longer my legal guardian

coffee gremlin: i think this more about emotions than legal stuff

murderbird: So then why would marrying into the family affect it?

murderbird: Marriage is a legal contract between individuals, as overseen by the government

Dickiebird: its more than that, its about making a commitment to the person you love

Redheaded stepchild: i mean there are also tax benefits

Dickiebird: thats not the point tho

Son meta allowed: were getting off topic

Son meta allowed: i think the big question is if damian sees dick as a father figure

murderbird: … 

murderbird: No comment

Dickiebird: (that means yes)

murderbird: Do not put words in my mouth, Grayson

coffee gremlin: @Redheaded stepchild congrats on your knife son

Redheaded stepchild: oh boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Potential family health crisis averted! Everything's fine, thank god


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Favorite child: sleeping  
> Bat in law: its almost 3pm  
> Favorite child: bat  
> Bat in law: good point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Bat in law: @Favorite child

Bat in law: babe

Bat in law: sweetie

Bat in law: darling

Bat in law: love of my life

Bat in law: terrifying badass whom i adore

Favorite child: hi <3

I lived bitch: Lmao

Bat in law: hi <3

Bat in law: you werent answering my texts and i got worried

Favorite child: sleeping

Bat in law: its almost 3pm

Favorite child: bat

Bat in law: good point

coffee gremlin: she right but she shouldnt say it

I lived bitch: You’re the worst person to talk about sleep schedules

I lived bitch: At least the rest of us are mostly consistent about being nocturnal 

coffee gremlin: fuck off i have insomnia

Favorite child: sleepy boy

coffee gremlin: dont call me out like this 

I lived bitch: As your older siblings we’re entitled to gently bully you about your sleeping habits 

coffee gremlin: okay so whats damians excuse 

coffee gremlin: hes the baby of the family

Dickiebird: he has difficulty expressing concern and bullies you into taking care of yourself to show he cares

I lived bitch: I wonder where he gets that from @Batdad

Batdad: In my defense, I’m working on it 

Bat in law: i like being in this chat cause i get to see b get roasted

I lived bitch: I like to imagine that your Robin days were just a constant stream of you roasting him

Bat in law: i have good news for you then

Favorite child: best robin <3

Son meta allowed: oh no please dont start that argument it never ends well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, whacking my depression with a broom: let! me! write!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: finally the cisnt siblings outnumber the cis ones again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tags: Nonbinary Duke Thomas
> 
> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: Son meta allowed>>>The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

**Son meta allowed changed their nickname to The day shift**

The day shift: so gender is fake and i wanna try out new pronouns

I lived bitch: Oh fuck yeah

Dickiebird: extremely valid

Dickiebird: what pronouns do you wanna try

The day shift: i was thinking ze/hir

Batdad: Can you show us how to use those, so we can get it right?

The day shift: theyre pronounced zee heer

The day shift: ze is sitting over there reading hir book

The day shift: the tea on the side table is also hirs

The day shift: ze is reading out loud to hirself

Favorite child: got it :)

coffee gremlin: finally the cisnt siblings outnumber the cis ones again 

coffee gremlin: also are you gonna change your name

The day shift: idk probably not

Dickiebird: that fair not everyone does

Redheaded stepchild: yeah i didnt change my name

murderbird: This is a situation in which I give congratulations, correct?

Dickiebird: yeah

murderbird: Then congratulations, Thomas

Bat in law: yea congrats!!!

The day shift: thanks :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self care is giving a fictional character your pronouns (I use he/him or ze/hir btw)
> 
> Thanks to Cade from the trans dc server for suggesting Duke's new nickname


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Redheaded stepchild: @Dickiebird if your dad murders me just know that ive always loved you  
> Dickiebird: what did you do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

**Barbara Gordon has joined the chat**

Barbara Gordon: I have news footage of Bruce for you all to laugh at

I lived bitch: Oh fuck yeah

Barbara Gordon: [Video transcript: Bruce Wayne is standing in front of a microphone at a press conference. From off screen, Vicki Vale can be heard asking “what do you have to say about the rumors that you’re having an affair with Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent?” Bruce smiles, pleasant enough that only those who know him well would be able to tell he’s screaming internally, and replies “I have far too much respect for Mrs. Lane to interfere in her marriage.” Next to the camera, a woman laughs. “I appreciate it,” Lois can be heard saying before the footage cuts off. End video transcript]

Dickiebird: ckfudyvblkjsfgbl

I lived bitch: Holy shit that’s gold

Favorite child: :D

Bat in law: im dying oh my god

The day shift: i like that you can see how dead he is inside 

I lived bitch: It’s amazing

coffee gremlin: @Batdad you arent allowed to bang my partners dad

Batdad: For the last time, I am not having an affair with Clark

Dickiebird: mmhmm sure

Dickiebird: you two have always been very close

Batdad: _Dick_

Dickiebird: just saying

murderbird: I can get rid of the alien if he is causing trouble

Batdad: No

Batdad: He’s still my friend, regardless of any rumors

murderbird: Tt

Redheaded stepchild: @Barbara Gordon youre now my second favorite bat

Redheaded stepchild: @Dickiebird if your dad murders me just know that ive always loved you

Dickiebird: what did you do

Redheaded stepchild: i sent that video to the jla chat

I lived bitch: _Oh my god_

Barbara Gordon: Congrats West, you’re now my favorite speedster

Batdad: Why are you all like this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to wear sunscreen, kids. My skin is very angry with me rn


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Super gay: batman doesnt scare me  
> Squishy human: yes he does  
> Super gay: shut ur fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Core four interlude
> 
> Chat names:   
> Tim: Squishy human  
> Cassie: Zeus' illegitimate child #1785  
> Kon: Super gay  
> Bart: Zoomies

**Scooby Gang**

Zeus’ illegitimate child #1785: @Squishy human if youre not on the way in the next half hour kon is flying to gotham to pick you up

Squishy human: no metas in gotham (except duke)

Super gay: batman doesnt scare me

Squishy human: yes he does

Super gay: shut ur fuck

Zoomies: kon!!!

Zoomies: does your father know you use that type of language???

Super gay: which dad tho

Super gay: cause one of them would be a lot more okay with it than the other

Zeus’ illegitimate child #1785: dont claim luthor as your dad just so you can say fuck

Super gay: what no clarks the one who cares less

Super gay: lex is all about image 

Squishy human: yeah that makes sense

Zoomies: how???

Squishy human: sometimes i forget none of you were raised by rich businesspeople 

Zeus’ illegitimate child #1785: dont brag 

Squishy human: im not it was awful

Zoomies: less talking more getting your ass over here!!!

Squishy human: we dont all have superspeed asshole

Zoomies: :p

Super gay: omw

Squishy human: wait dont

Super gay: too late lmao

Squishy human: stop trying to open the window you dork its locked


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big blue: I’m aware of the irony in this, but I really hate reporters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Justice League interlude
> 
> Chat names:   
> Bruce: JLA sugar daddy  
> Clark: Big blue  
> Diana: The actual best  
> Wally: Fastest enby alive  
> Oliver: Robin hood  
> J'onn: Ancient Aliens

**3 days since last flash meme spam**

Big blue: I’m aware of the irony in this, but I really hate reporters

Fastest enby alive: im sure lois would love to hear that

The actual best: What happened, Clark?

Big blue: I got asked if I would protect America from “illegal aliens”

Robin hood: What did you say?

Big blue: I just stared at him

Big blue: But I almost said “that would be pretty hypocritical of me” 

Fastest enby alive: that wouldve been amazing tbh

JLA sugar daddy: What network did he work for?

JLA sugar daddy: … 

JLA sugar daddy: Who changed my nickname?

Fastest enby alive: i swear to god it wasnt me

Ancient Aliens: You seem eager to direct suspicion away from yourself

Fastest enby alive: yeah cause i knew id be the first suspect

The actual best: You can just change it back

JLA sugar daddy: Not the point, Diana

Robin hood: I dunno, I think it suits him

JLA sugar daddy: Oliver

Robin hood: Yes?

JLA sugar daddy: This is revenge for the charity ball incident, isn’t it?

Robin hood: Yep

Fastest enby alive: well i see where roy gets his pettiness from

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are more leaguers in the chat, but I couldn't be bothered to think of nicknames for everyone


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plant lesbian: i know it wasn’t you, love, youre sitting right next to me  
> Fantabulous: i was tellin everyone else babe  
> ???: You two are adorable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotham Rogues interlude, inspired by Lil_Miss_Psycho's comment. This chapter does mention Harley/Ivy but I'm not adding it as a tag cause they're not regular characters
> 
> Chat names:   
> Harley Quinn: Fantabulous  
> Poison Ivy: Plant lesbian  
> Catwoman: Cat's meow  
> Scarecrow: Anxiety  
> Riddler: ???  
> Mr. Freeze: Popsicle man

**for the last goddamn time the joker is not invited**

Popsicle man: Heads up to whoever kidnapped Red Robin, you have several angry bats after you

Fantabulous: hey freezie, arentcha still in arkham

Fantabulous: or didja bust out

Popsicle man: I have acquired a cell phone, but I am still inside

Plant lesbian: bummer

Plant lesbian: anyway who grabbed the kid

Fantabulous: not me!

Plant lesbian: i know it wasn’t you, love, youre sitting right next to me

Fantabulous: i was tellin everyone else babe

???: You two are adorable

???: As for the kid, I have no idea

Anxiety: it wasnt me

???: I hope he’s alright, he’s good at riddles

Popsicle man: @Cat’s meow do you know?

Cat’s meow: oh yeah hes with me

Plant lesbian: whyd you kidnap your boyfriends kid

Cat’s meow: 1. hes not my boyfriend

Cat’s meow: 2. the kid said no one would come for him so im proving him wrong

Fantabulous: awwwwwwww

Anxiety: i guess thats one way to make him face his fear


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lived bitch: Wait why the fuck did she kidnap him  
> coffee gremlin: apparently i “have low self esteem” and “dont understand how much my family loves me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to everyone who commented about how much Tim's family loves him
> 
> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Batdad: @everyone I found Tim

Dickiebird: is he okay???

Batdad: He’s fine, he was with Selina

Dickiebird: oh thank god

I lived bitch: Wait why the fuck did she kidnap him

coffee gremlin: apparently i “have low self esteem” and “dont understand how much my family loves me”

Batdad: She was proving a point, that we would tear Gotham apart to find him if we needed to

I lived bitch: I mean, point proven

Favorite child: tim!!!!!!!

Favorite child: love you <3

coffee gremlin: love you too cass <3

The day shift: okay no seriously dude everyone was a wreck when we realized you were gone

Bat in law: yeah dumbass we care about you 

murderbird: You are one of ours, we do not tolerate anyone thinking they can harm you 

coffee gremlin: im gonna go lie down and process some stuff

Dickiebird: okay love you!

I lived bitch: Yeah what Dickface said

coffee gremlin: love you too


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lived bitch: Duke and I are the only true Gothamites in this family, in this essay I will  
> The day shift: wheres the essay op

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

I lived bitch: Duke and I are the only true Gothamites in this family, in this essay I will

The day shift: wheres the essay op

coffee gremlin: wtf jason b and i are both from gotham too

I lived bitch: Technically you’re from Bristol, not Gotham proper

coffee gremlin: oh fuck you thats just semantics

Bat in law: extremely rude that i was not included in that list

I lived bitch: Once you marry Cass I’ll add you

Bat in law: fair enough

Dickiebird: so do you have to be born in gotham to count or is there a minimum number of years you have to live here

Dickiebird: cause ive lived here over a decade total

I lived bitch: You’re a circus brat, not a Gothamite

Dickiebird: you know what

Dickiebird: im okay with that

Redheaded stepchild: yall have the weirdest conversations

coffee gremlin: yall

Bat in law: yall

The day shift: yall

Redheaded stepchild: :/

Dickiebird: be nice to em

Dickiebird: its not eir fault ey’s a midwesterner

Redheaded stepchild: that not even why i say it

Redheaded stepchild: its a gender neutral version of you guys

The day shift: yeah fair i take back my mockery

Redheaded stepchild: thank you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if I screwed up conjugating Wally's pronouns, I wasn't sure if it should be ey's or ey're


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> murderbird: Father’s incompetence in the kitchen is frankly embarrassing   
> murderbird: He is a grown man, he ought to be able to cook for himself  
> Bat in law: fuck yeah call him out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:  
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: @I lived bitch please come stay at the manor this week

I live bitch: Why?

coffee gremlin: alfreds on vacation and bruce is going to try to cook

I lived bitch: Yeah okay, keep him away from the stove until I get there

Redheaded stepchild: is he really that bad of a cook

murderbird: Father’s incompetence in the kitchen is frankly embarrassing 

murderbird: He is a grown man, he ought to be able to cook for himself

Bat in law: fuck yeah call him out

Batdad: I’m not completely useless, I can fend for myself in the wilderness

Bat in law: thats really not the same thing

Dickiebird: youve set pasta on fire b

Redheaded stepchild: glass houses babe

Redheaded stepchild: im pretty sure youd be living off cereal and top ramen if not for me

Dickiebird: i love you <3

Redheaded stepchild: i love you too <3

coffee gremlin: thats gay

Dickiebird: yep

coffee gremlin: also is being good at cooking a speedster thing

coffee gremlin: cause bart is too

Redheaded stepchild: we burn calories so fast wed be screwed if we didnt learn how to feed ourselves

coffee gremlin: valid

Favorite child: do not understand stoves :/

The day shift: idk i can make some basics

The day shift: nothing fancy tho

I lived bitch: Okay, get your asses to the manor I’m teaching you all how to cook

Redheaded stepchild: can i help

I lived bitch: Sure


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: okay you cant just tell us youre reenacting vines and then not send us the videos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Batdad: @coffee gremlin @murderbird @The day shift what are you three doing?

coffee gremlin: duke and damian are reenacting vines

coffee gremlin: im filming

Bat in law: without me?

Bat in law: im hurt

The day shift: arent you on a date with cass

Bat in law: you could have waited :/

coffee gremlin: pay attention to your girlfriend 

Bat in law: oh the irony of you saying that

coffee gremlin: shush

Dickiebird: okay you cant just tell us youre reenacting vines and then not send us the videos

coffee gremlin: [Video transcript: Damian runs across the yard, Titus chasing him. Duke, facing away from the camera, yells “what do you have?” Damian grins at the camera and yells back “a knife!” Duke yells “NO”. Tim’s voice can be heard offscreen whispering “oh god, why does he have a knife?” End video transcript]

Dickiebird: jkwvb;difbvjd

Redheaded stepchild: amazing

Bat in law: please tell me thats going online

coffee gremlin: im going to edit them into a compilation and put it on youtube

Batdad: I can’t stop you, can I?

coffee gremlin: nope

Dickiebird: lmao youre finally learning


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lived bitch: What did the cis do now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat names:   
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: petition for cis people to Stop

Dickiebird: seconded

The day shift: same

Redheaded stepchild: god seriously 

I lived bitch: What did the cis do now?

coffee gremlin: a “gender” reveal party started a wildfire thats ravaging the west coast

I lived bitch: Cis people are the fucking worst

Batdad: Hey now

Dickiebird: :p

Dickiebird: use your rich people money to help with the wildfire damages 

Batdad: I already have donations in the works

Bat in law: whyd you put gender in quotes

coffee gremlin: because theyre not revealing the babys gender

coffee gremlin: theyre announcing what genitals a doctor has predicted their child will be born with 

Bat in law: well when you say it like that it sounds creepy and awful 

The day shift: yeah cause they are creepy and awful

I lived bitch: Gender reveal parties should belong to trans people 

Dickiebird: imagine giving your parents a cake that says “its a boy” and thats how you come out

coffee gremlin: lmao i shouldve done that

The day shift: well now youre just giving me ideas

I lived bitch: Have you decided on any labels?

The day shift: not yet

The day shift: but now i have plans for when i do 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next cis person who thinks it's a good idea to announce their child's predicted genitalia with pyrotechnics is getting decked in the face. I can't go outside without risking an asthma attack


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day shift: steph and cass are arguing about who was the better batgirl  
> I lived bitch: Yikes  
> The day shift: no its actually really wholesome  
> The day shift: cass is arguing it was steph and steph is arguing it was cass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

The day shift: steph and cass are arguing about who was the better batgirl

I lived bitch: Yikes

The day shift: no its actually really wholesome

The day shift: cass is arguing it was steph and steph is arguing it was cass

Dickiebird: awwwww

Dickiebird: theyre both wrong tho it was babs

Barbara Gordon: Thanks, Boy Wonder

Dickiebird: :D

coffee gremlin: so are you just in this chat for good now

Barbara Gordon: Yeah, I figured why not

coffee gremlin: you need a nickname then

The day shift: is that a rule or smth

coffee gremlin: yes

**Barbara Gordon changed their nickname to Most Powerful Earthling**

Dickiebird: nice

murderbird: Is that another reference I don’t understand?

Most Powerful Earthling: A group of aliens asked for the most powerful being on earth

Most Powerful Earthling: When Superman showed up they asked if he was Oracle

The day shift: okay thats maybe the coolest thing ive ever heard

The day shift: @Favorite child @Bat in law we settled your argument

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this house we love and respect Barbara Gordon (disclaimer: all of the Batgirls are amazing in their own ways and I love them)


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: he called me jason once and then started crying  
> Batdad: Okay in my defense he was still dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

The day shift: b just called me dick :/

Batdad: I’m sorry, your names are just very similar

Dickiebird: lmao

coffee gremlin: he called me jason once and then started crying

Batdad: Okay in my defense he was still dead

Batdad: I was grieving 

coffee gremlin: yeah fair 

murderbird: Father has never called me by the wrong name

Favorite child: not that you know :)

Bat in law: theres a story there

Bat in law: also @coffee gremlin welcome to the ‘accidentally called jason’ squad

I lived bitch: What the fuck

Batdad: When did I call you Jason, Steph?

Bat in law: idk exactly but i think i was doing smh reckless

Dickiebird: well that tracks

I lived bitch: Fuck off

The day shift: okay getting called dick makes sense to me cause our names are similar

The day shift: but how do you mix up jay and steph

I lived bitch: He’s going senile in his old age

Dickiebird: but hey at least we arent the allen-wests

Redheaded stepchild: wtf babe

Dickiebird: there are two bartholomew allens and two wallace wests in your family

Redheaded stepchild: yeah okay thats fair

Redheaded stepchild: but hey im gonna be wally grayson-west soon

Dickiebird: <3

Redheaded stepchild: <3

I lived bitch: Take your pda out of the family chat, no one wants to see that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My deadname is very similar to my sister's name, I got called her name a lot growing up


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: fuck you i could still have a growth spurt  
> murderbird: At your age it is extremely unlikely that you will grow any further  
> coffee gremlin: bold words for someone falling way behind on the growth curve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

I lived bitch: I am now taking bets on which siblings are going to end up being taller than Dick

I lived bitch: I already am and Cass is fully grown so our contenders are: Tim, Duke, and Damian

Dickiebird: what the fuck jay

Dickiebird: im not even short!!!

I lived bitch: You aren’t tall either

The day shift: wait how tall are you exactly

Dickiebird: 5’7”

The day shift: hmm yeah i say me and damian will be taller than you

coffee gremlin: fuck you i could still have a growth spurt

murderbird: At your age it is extremely unlikely that you will grow any further

coffee gremlin: bold words for someone falling way behind on the growth curve

murderbird: Given the heights of my mother and father, it is most likely I will not stay short forever

Batdad: Well, according to Alfred I was much taller by the time I was your age

murderbird: Irrelevant

coffee gremlin: lmao

Favorite child: littlest brother :)

murderbird: You will regret that sentiment 

Dickiebird: okay but im the oldest

Dickiebird: _someone_ has to be shorter than me

Favorite child: right here :p

Dickiebird: well i was hoping for more than one 

I lived bitch: Okay but none of you are placing bets

The day shift: we all know you only brought this up for the drama

I lived bitch: You got me there

Redheaded stepchild: @Dickiebird babe why is damian standing on the counter

coffee gremlin: ksjdgpiduvb

I lived bitch: _Oh my god_

Dickiebird: he likes to be tall :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favorite coping mechanism for height dysphoria is inflicting my height upon fictional characters (I'm 5'7" and the shortest in my immediate family)


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Dickface**  
>  thanks for triggering my height dysphoria asshole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dick: Dickface  
> Jason: Little Wing

**Dickface**

thanks for triggering my height dysphoria asshole

**Little Wing**

Oh fuck

I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were dysphoric about that

**Dickface**

well i am

**Little Wing**

5’7 isn’t even short

**Dickface**

not helpful jay

**Little Wing**

Yeah, sorry

I won’t bring it up again

**Dickface**

thanks 

its really frustrating cause im just short enough to feel dysphoric

but tall enough that people dont take me seriously about it

at least when tim complains about his height people get it

**Little Wing**

I really am sorry

Can I do anything to help?

**Dickface**

nah im just frustrated and wanted to vent

**Little Wing**

Fair

Roy and Kori say hi btw

**Dickface**

!!!

tell them i say hi back!

**Little Wing**

Roy says you should get your ass over here and hang out with him

Kori said basically the same thing, but she was way nicer about it

**Dickface**

right now?

**Little Wing**

Yep

Kori says I have to make up for being an ass by spending time with you

**Dickface**

lmao 

okay ill be there soon

ily 

**Little Wing**

Yeah, yeah

Love you too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not intended to call anyone out, but some of the comments I got on the last chapter were really frustrating. Just because 5'7" doesn't seem short to you doesn't mean I don't really struggle with it. So getting comments about how 5'7" 'isn't short' on a chapter where I was venting about my height dysphoria really didn't feel good
> 
> And I'm not asking anyone to apologize, I know those comments were made in good faith. In all honesty, I don't want any apologies, because I don't want to have to respond to them. I just needed to say this


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I lived bitch added Roy Harper to the chat**  
>  Roy Harper: @Dickiebird lian wants to run away to the circus and i blame you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

**I lived bitch added Roy Harper to the chat**

Roy Harper: @Dickiebird lian wants to run away to the circus and i blame you

Bat in law: njsipfbvysfdgjbnsk;

Dickiebird: tell her its a terrible idea

Dickiebird: if she wants to go live at the circus she doesnt need to run away ill drive her

Roy Harper: i fucking hate you

Dickiebird: no you dont :D

Redheaded stepchild: hey roy

Roy Harper: wally?

Redheaded stepchild: yeah

Roy Harper: why the fuck is that your nickname

Redheaded stepchild: i think it has to do with some petty feud between dick and jason

Redheaded stepchild: but honestly idk 

Dickiebird: oh yeah i made a joke about jay being the redheaded stepchild and most of them didnt know he dyes his hair

Bat in law: he dyes his hair???

Redheaded stepchild: he dyes his hair?

I lived bitch: Thanks again, Dickhead

Dickiebird: whoops

Bat in law: so wait what about the white streak

Bat in law: do you leave that on purpose for The Aesthetic

I lived bitch: … 

I lived bitch: Listen, if you haven’t figured out that I’m dramatic as fuck yet that’s on you

I lived bitch: Only Duke gets a pass because ze’s new

The day shift: no that the exact amount of dramaticness i expect from you

Most Powerful Earthling: @Roy Harper @Redheaded stepchild @I lived bitch 

Most Powerful Earthling: Ginger squad

Roy Harper: fuck yeah well make jackets

I lived bitch: We have to invite Kori too

Most Powerful Earthling: Obviously 


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day shift: today on “weird shit i hear in this house” tim: vibe check!  
> The day shift: dick: _dont throw things at damian_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

The day shift: today on “weird shit i hear in this house” tim: vibe check!

The day shift: dick:  _ dont throw things at damian _

coffee gremlin: technically you heard that in the cave not the house

The day shift: :p

Batdad: What did you throw at Damian?

coffee gremlin: i plead the fifth

Batdad: This isn’t a courtroom, Tim, you can’t invoke the fifth amendment

Dickiebird: it was a batarang

Dickiebird: also dami is  _ fine _ thanks for asking

murderbird: It did not even hit me, Grayson

murderbird: Drake does not possess the skills necessary to catch me unawares

Bat in law: oh so you  _ didnt _ totally scream when he jumped out at you last week

murderbird: Quiet, you don’t even live here

Batdad: Be nice to your sister-in-law, Damian

Bat in law: zkxjvbpsdfyvbpsdfkj holy shit

Favorite child: :D

Batdad: I’ve accepted that it’s inevitable 

Favorite child: love you dad

Batdad: I love you too, Cass

I lived bitch: I hate to interrupt the wholesomeness

The day shift: no you love doing that

I lived bitch:  _ Anyway _

I lived bitch: If Damian dodged the batarang does that mean he passed the vibe check?

coffee gremlin: … 

coffee gremlin:  _ fuck _


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: i think kryptonians are pack animals  
> Batdad: …what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: i think kryptonians are pack animals

Batdad: …what

coffee gremlin: no listen it explains why theyre so cuddly!

Dickiebird: i think thats just their personalities tim

Bat in law: no let him speak

coffee gremlin: thank you steph

Bat in law: yw this is gonna be hilarious 

coffee gremlin: okay so you know how people say humans are a social species so we need to be around other humans a bunch or we die?

Bat in law: people say that?

I lived bitch: Well, Damian’s screwed

coffee gremlin: dick is cuddly enough to fix it

Bat in law: skfbv;iydgblkjsfgb

coffee gremlin: ANYWAY

coffee gremlin: kryptonians are like that but dial it up to 11 and break off the knob

Dickiebird: someone please tell clark this theory

Redheaded stepchild: on it

Dickiebird: you are the love of my life

coffee gremlin: thats adorable but shut up im not done

coffee gremlin: my theory explains why the supers like to latch onto bats

coffee gremlin: they see us being all broody and lonely think they need to fix us cause being broody lonely on krypton is a death sentence 

coffee gremlin: its an evolutionary instinct to see an emo and become their best friend 

Bat in law: sikrubv;paudfjvhlfjghb i told you it would be hilarious 

Redheaded stepchild: clark is concerned about tims health

Batdad: We have that in common

coffee gremlin: im fine youre not listening to me

Favorite child: tim >:(

coffee gremlin: oh no

Favorite child: got to sleep >:(

coffee gremlin: i cant i drank one of those giant monster cans

Batdad: Damnit Tim, Alfred banned those from the house

coffee gremlin: if i remember correctly that was your fault :p

Dickiebird: im gonna come lay on you until you fall asleep

coffee gremlin: no!!!! i have a case to solve!!!!

Dickiebird: figuring out whether or not kryptonians are pack animals can wait 

coffee gremlin: im calling kon to come fight you on my behalf

Dickiebird: okay first of all theyd lose we have kryptonite here

Dickiebird: second of all wouldnt their kryptonian pack bonding instincts make them want to cuddle you anyway

coffee gremlin: hmmmmmmm

coffee gremlin: that would prove my theory tho

Batdad: _Just go to sleep_


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day shift: i have noise cancelling headphones you can borrow  
> coffee gremlin: oh thank fuck duke youre my new favorite sibling 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tags: Autistic Tim Drake, Autistic Damian Wayne 
> 
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: if that beeping noise doesnt stop right now immediately i am going to start screaming 

Batdad: One of the smoke detectors is out of batteries, Alfred went to the store to get some

coffee gremlin: youre telling me the worlds most paranoid vigilante doesnt keep extra fucking batteries 

Dickiebird: whoa timmy are you okay

coffee gremlin:  _ no dick i am not okay _

coffee gremlin: im about ten seconds from stabbing my own eardrums out so i dont have to hear  _ that fucking noise _

The day shift: i have noise cancelling headphones you can borrow

coffee gremlin: oh thank fuck duke youre my new favorite sibling 

The day shift: ill bring them to you

coffee gremlin: thank you im buried under pillows in my room

The day shift: np

coffee gremlin: okay okay im better 

coffee gremlin: dukes my favorite now im stealing hir from jason

The day shift: why cant i be both your favorites

Dickiebird: @Batdad dami is trying to sneak past you to destroy the smoke detector btw 

murderbird: Traitor

Dickiebird: cant you just shut it off until alfred gets home with the batteries

Batdad: That’s unsafe

murderbird: You let all of us fight crime

murderbird: At night

murderbird: In Gotham

coffee gremlin: hes got you there

Batdad: Fine, but only until Alfred gets home

coffee gremlin: the evil is defeated 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was some big truck in the parking lot today, and it was making _the most painful_ beeping noise to indicate that it was backing up. For like three solid minutes. So loud I could hear it even after plugging my ears


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: oh yeah i was baiting ras  
> Batman: Why would you think that’s a good idea?  
> coffee gremlin: so he assassinates tr*mp obviously 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Batdad: @coffee gremlin Tim

coffee gremlin: yeah

Batdad: Why did you tweet “if someone wants to get rid of that moldy cheeto in the white house their window of opportunity is closing”?

Dickiebird: jikfv;bspdfubfsdb what

I lived bitch: Nice

Bat in law: he has a point tho

coffee gremlin: oh yeah i was baiting ras

Batman: Why would you think that’s a good idea?

coffee gremlin: so he assassinates tr*mp obviously 

Bat in law: i like that you censor his name

coffee gremlin: thanks its a sign of disrespect 

Batdad:  _ Tim _

Batdad: Don’t bait Ra’s into killing people

murderbird: Honestly Drake

murderbird: You could have just asked me

Bat in law: dsuibpulvgfjhb

Dickiebird: wait dami no

I lived bitch: Nah, let him

coffee gremlin: yeah okay

Batdad:  _ No one is assassinating the president _

I lived bitch: Buzzkill 

The days shift: yeah just let him die of covid

The day shift: poetic justice 

Batdad: Exactly 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you heard the good news?


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bat in law: hmm i am terrified  
> Favorite child: why  
> Bat in law: found damian crouching on top of the fridge with a sword

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Bat in law: hmm i am terrified

Favorite child: why

Bat in law: found damian crouching on top of the fridge with a sword

Bat in law: his hood was up and he was mostly hidden by shadows

coffee gremlin: what was he doing up there

Bat in law: i asked him that

Bat in law: all he said was “waiting”

coffee gremlin: ah yeah that does not bode well

Favorite child: i will handle him

Bat in law: please dont get stabbed babe

Favorite: he can try :)

Bat in law: i love you <3

Favorite child: <3

Batdad: What is going on here?

coffee gremlin: damian being ominous

Batdad: Ah

murderbird: Brown

Bat in law: wayne

muderbird: You gave away my hiding spot

Bat in law: and?

Dickiebird: guys we were playing hide and seek

Dickiebird: duke found him because of the chat and now hes pouting

murderbird: I call foul

The day shift: actually the rules dont say anything about group chats

murderbird: Then the rules shall need to be amended to avoid such flagrant cheating in the future

The day shift: its not cheating its called taking advantage of your resources

Bat in law: okay but why did you need a sword for hide and seek

muderbird: The aesthetic

Bat in law: skdjpbvdsfhlvksfgjb


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: oh are you fucking up ableists  
> Most Powerful Earthling: Yup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Most Powerful Earthling: @Batdad fyi I’m using WE resources to sue a corporate building that is refusing to meet ADA standards 

Batdad: Thank you for the heads up

coffee gremlin: oh are you fucking up ableists

Most Powerful Earthling: Yup

coffee gremlin: can i help

Most Powerful Earthling: Sure

Most Powerful Earthling: You can actually use WE resources legitimately 

coffee gremlin: perks of being a 17yo ceo

coffee gremlin: speaking of which i brought a fidget spinner to a board meeting the other day

Most Powerful Earthling: Lmao how did that go over

coffee gremlin: i could see them all dying inside

coffee gremlin: but they couldnt say shit cause im their boss

Most Powerful Earthling: Nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found my fidget spinner :3


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: i am Disgusted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of incest/pedophilia (in a context condemning them, we don't support that shit here)
> 
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Dickiebird: i am Disgusted

The day shift: what happened

Dickiebird: so apparently some people ship vigilantes

coffee gremlin: yeah thats a thing

coffee gremlin i try to avoid it but the internet is a terrible place

Batdad: What do you mean by “ship vigilantes”?

The day shift: oh boy

coffee gremlin: basically it means they like to think about vigilantes being in relationships with each other

coffee gremlin: and sometimes write or make art about it

Batdad: They do realize we’re actual people, right?

coffee gremlin: they do not care

Dickiebird: and it gets  _ worse _

coffee gremlin: i think i know where this is going and im already grossed out

Dickiebird: apparently people ship  _ nightwing and red hood _

coffee gremlin: yeah… thats

coffee gremlin: a thing

Dickiebird: i need to bleach my brain

I lived bitch: This was a horrible thing to wake up to

Dickiebird: ah fuck sorry jay

I lived bitch: I really fucking hope none of them realize we’re brothers

I lived bitch: That would add a whole other layer of disgusting

coffee gremlin: i dont think that would stop them

coffee gremlin: ive seen some disturbing shit

Most Powerful Earthling: I mean, it’s not like it’s a secret that Robin has always been a kid, and Batman is an adult

Most Powerful Earthling: And that doesn’t stop people

Batdad: I’m going to be sick

Dickiebird: uh yeah me to

Batdad: Barbara, can you please clear those messages before Damian sees them?

Most Powerful Earthling: Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To once again be explicitly clear: batcest shippers do not interact


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Batdad: @everyone I have something I’d like to talk with you all about  
> I lived bitch: Are we about to have a family meeting over groupchat?  
> I lived bitch: Have we reached that level of emotional constipation that we can only talk about our feelings over chat?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for this chapter was suggested by a lovely anon on tumblr
> 
> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Batdad: @everyone I have something I’d like to talk with you all about

I lived bitch: Are we about to have a family meeting over groupchat?

I lived bitch: Have we reached that level of emotional constipation that we can only talk about our feelings over chat?

Dickiebird: okay first we reached that level a long time ago idk what youre talking about

Dickiebird: and second in his defense were usually only all together if the world is ending 

Redheaded stepchild: wait if its a family meeting should i like turn off my phone or smth

Bat in law: yeah is this a wayne only event or can i stay

Batdad: We’ve established that you’re both going to be my children in law, you can stay

Bat in law: oh wow im getting emotional

Redheaded stepchild: that was surprisingly validating 

coffee gremlin: god were a bunch of disasters

coffee gremlin: no wonder we have family meetings over text

The day shift: what is this meeting even about

Most Powerful Earthling: We don’t know yet, no one will shut up long enough to let Bruce speak

murderbird: If you are about to tell us we have a new sibling I will be forced to turn this into an intervention 

Dickiebird: skdjvbdlfhvb

Bat in law:  _ oh my god  _

Batdad: No, this is not about adopting another child

Favorite child: aw :(

coffee gremlin: wait cass do you really want more siblings

Favorite child: kids are cute :)

Bat in law: i am not having another baby

Favorite child: we can adopt

Bat in law: how about we revisit this in like five years

Favorite child: okay 

Favorite child: love you <3

Bat in law: love you too <3

Batdad: This is getting out of hand, I was trying to tell you all that I’m bisexual

Dickiebird: oh fuck yeah bi rights

I lived bitch: Welcome to the club, old man

Most Powerful Earthling: Congrats

The day shift: yeah congrats on figuring that out :)

coffee gremlin: wait did we not already know this

Bat in law: sljdkvblosf

coffee gremlin: i swear i already knew that

Batdad: Tim, I didn’t even know until very recently

coffee gremlin: huh

coffee gremlin: your bi vibes are just that strong i guess 

murderbird: At this point I have come to assume that no one is this family is both cisgender and heterosexual 

The day shift: i mean yeah that seems likely

Favorite child: good :)

Dickiebird: skiflvbsdfhlv

Redheaded stepchild: i love that for y’all 

The day shift: wait have you told alfred yet

Batdad: He’s been trying to point it out to me for years, apparently 

Dickiebird: lajsdbvljhdfbvjkfgbn

Bat in law:  _ holy shit _

The day shift: im

The day shift: huh

I lived bitch: I’m telling you, Alfred’s the real World’s Greatest Detective 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter did not want to stop being written. It's like twice the length of the average chapter for this fic


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Batdad: What the hell is going on  
> The day shift: prank war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Batdad: What the hell is going on

The day shift: prank war

Batdad: I need more information than that

coffee gremlin: oldest siblings (dick and cass) vs middle siblings (jay and i) vs youngest siblings (duke and damian)

The day shift: oldest siblings are winning

I lived bitch: Not for long

Dickiebird: lmao

Dickiebird: i have cass on my side were not gonna lose

Redheaded stepchild: i like that cass is the deciding factor

Dickiebird: shes the prank master in this house

Favorite child: :3

murderbird: Watch your back Grayson

murderbird: Thomas and I are coming for you

Dickiebird: bring it on babybat 

The day shift: okay wow dont call him that again i think his angry screech ruptured my eardrums 

Dickiebird: no thats his embarrassed screech

The day shift: how do you know which screech it was???

Dickiebird: :3

Favorite child: another point for oldest siblings :)

Batdad: What did you do?

Favorite child: :3

Bat in law: @Redheaded stepchild we should be team inlaws

Redheaded stepchild: oh no i am not getting involved in this

Bat in law: aww why not

Redheaded stepchild: teen titans prank wars got banned fast because dick is terrifying

Redheaded stepchild: i do not need to go up against him  _ and _ cass

Batdad: This ends the second someone gets injured

Bat in law: not even an if huh

Batdad: You’ve met this family, right?

Bat in law: souidgvobsdfhlkfgjbn;o


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Most Powerful Earthling: [Image description: A screenshot of a tweet reading: Bruce Wayne will see an orphan and ask “is anyone gonna adopt this” and then not wait for an answer. End image description]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Most Powerful Earthling: [Image description: A screenshot of a tweet reading: Bruce Wayne will see an orphan and ask “is anyone gonna adopt this” and then not wait for an answer. End image description]

Dickiebird: skjfbvodifhlfg

I lived bitch: I love that his public image has gone from irresponsible himbo to overenthusiastic dad 

Bat in law:  _ irresponsible himbo _

I lived bitch: I’m not wrong

coffee gremlin: i feel like orphan should be replaced by sad child

coffee gremlin: since like half of us werent even orphans

Favorite child: true

murderbird: I am neither an orphan nor adopted

The day shift: its okay we love you anyway

coffee gremlin: slfjvnb;kjxlvfb

murderbird: I despise you all

Dickiebird: no you dont

murderbird: … 

murderbird: No, I don’t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter because _wow_ I do not have motivation rn


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: hi this is bart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: hi this is bart

coffee gremlin: @Dickiebird i stole tims phone to tell you that my dumbass cousin is doubting if eys good enough for you

Redheaded stepchild: bart

Redheaded stepchild: im in this chat

coffee gremlin: ah fuck bye

Bat in law: oof

Dickiebird: hey wally im on my way to hug you

Redheaded stepchild: what no its fine

Dickiebird: my gorgeous funny amazing and loveable fiance doubting that eys good enough for me is not fine

Dickiebird: are you at home?

Redheaded stepchild: yeah

Dickiebird: omw

Bat in law: awww that soft

coffee gremlin: id like to apologize for whatever bart just did with my phone

coffee gremlin: …

coffee gremlin: nevermind


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: idk why but i hate that information  
> I lived bitch: It’s because you’re old  
> Dickiebird: >:O

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

The day shift: wait is dick the only sibling whos a millennial?

Dickiebird: no i think cass and jay are too

I lived bitch: Technically Cass and I are in the grey area between millennial and gen z

coffee gremlin: studies typically draw the line in 1996 but sometimes extend it to 2000

Dickiebird: … 

Dickiebird: idk why but i hate that information 

I lived bitch: It’s because you’re old

Dickiebird: >:O

Dickiebird: im only 6 years older than you

coffee gremlin: yeah but youre 14yrs older than damian

Dickiebird: … 

coffee gremlin: next year youll be twice his age

Dickiebird:  _ stop _

Dickiebird: @Batdad tim is giving me an existential crisis

coffee gremlin: i think you mean midlife crisis

Dickiebird:  _ im not that old _

Batdad: What on earth is happening here?

coffee gremlin: duke started it

The day shift: no i did not!

The day shift: i pointed out that dick is the only millennial

The day shift: jason is the one who called him old

I lived bitch: And I stand by that

Batdad: Jason, Tim, leave Dick alone

Batdad: Duke, you’re fine

Most Powerful Earthling: So, do you regret having kids yet? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dick is the only batsibling who's older than me...


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day shift: tim and damian are arguing and it looks like its about to get violent  
> Dickiebird: on it  
> Batdad: What are they arguing about?  
> The day shift: idk i dont speak whatever language theyre speaking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

The day shift: tim and damian are arguing and it looks like its about to get violent

Dickiebird: on it

Batdad: What are they arguing about?

The day shift: idk i dont speak whatever language theyre speaking 

Batdad: Probably good Dick is handling it then, he speaks the most languages of any of us 

Bat in law: oh you mean its not because youre too emotionally constipated to talk to your kids?

Batdad: … 

Batdad: Stephanie 

Bat in law: yikes lol bye 

Favorite child: dad

Favorite child: be nice

The day shift: lmao

Dickiebird: so they werent actually arguing

Dickiebird: dami was yelling in kurdish and tim was yelling in polish and neither of them could understand each other 

Batdad: Why?

Dickiebird: who knows

Dickiebird: they both stormed off when i showed up 

The day shift: what were they yelling

Dickiebird: mostly insults i think 

Dickiebird: my kurdish isnt very good

Bat in law: okay but how many languages do you actually speak

Dickiebird: well im fluent in 11

Dickiebird: but conversational in a handful of others and passable in a few more

The day shift: wtf thats a lot

Bat in law: way to brag about it lmao

Batdad: Believe it or not, he’s being modest 

Bat in law: … 

Bat in law: i do  _ not _ believe that 

Dickiebird: perks of growing up in an international travelling circus :p

Batdad: He’s lucky Alfred doesn’t speak as many languages as I do, or we would’ve ended up with a swear jar a lot sooner 

Dickiebird: excuse you i was a delightful child

Batdad: That’s true

Batdad: You were also a bigger brat than all of your siblings except Damian 

Dickiebird: >:O

The day shift: okay now youre just messing with us 

Batdad: Ask Alfred if you don’t believe me 

Bat in law: someone who actually lives there please ask 

The day shift: okay so alfred agreed

The day shift: i dont know what to do with that information 

Dickiebird: in my defense i was eight and an only child

Batdad: You made the Riddler cry once

Dickiebird: oh yeah

Dickiebird: good times 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dick was a little terror as a child and you cannot convince me otherwise (luckily he directed most of it at the rogues lmao)


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dickiebird: wally gets roy i get donna   
> Bat in law: you make it sounds like a custody battle lmao  
> Redheaded stepchild: if you knew our friend group youd understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: @Dickiebird @Redheaded stepchild did you figure out your best person situation yet

Dickiebird: yep!

Dickiebird: wally gets roy i get donna 

Bat in law: you make it sounds like a custody battle lmao

Redheaded stepchild: if you knew our friend group youd understand 

I lived bitch: Kori’s lowkey salty she’s not in the wedding party 

Dickiebird: shes my ex that would be weird 

Redheaded stepchild: but also we havent even decided on the rest of the wedding party yet 

Bat in law: i swear you two are gonna be one of those couples that stays engaged for years before getting married

Bat in law: bc you cant figure out how to plan a wedding 

Dickiebird: rude :p

I lived bitch: Just let Alfred plan it

Dickiebird: thats not his job im not gonna ask him to do that

I lived bitch: No you idiot, he  _ wants _ to

I lived bitch: He’s been dropping hints for months

Dickiebird: … 

Dickiebird: he has?

Bat in law: for a bunch of detectives you can all be really dumb sometimes 

Favorite child: :(

Bat in law: except cass who is amazing in every way

Favorite child : :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The real reason they aren't married yet is that I haven't figured out how to write a wedding scene for a chatfic


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lived bitch: That warms even my cold heart  
> coffee gremlin: shut up you edgy bitch we all know youre soft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

Dickiebird: [Image description: Duke is sitting on one end of a couch, reading a book. Cass is curled up next to hir with her head on hir shoulder. End ID]

Dickiebird: zes reading to her :)

Redheaded stepchild: oh thats adorable 

coffee gremlin: aww

I lived bitch: That warms even my cold heart

coffee gremlin: shut up you edgy bitch we all know youre soft 

I lived bitch: Lies and slander

Bat in law: skjdbvlsdyufgvbhfjgjhvf;;k;

Redheaded stepchild: are you okay

Bat in law: _my girlfriend is so pretty im gonna die_

Redheaded stepchild: mood but bf

Dickiebird: jskldbvhdfsjhv <3

Redheaded stepchild: <3

I lived bitch: If this is gonna turn into a sappy mess I’m leaving

coffee gremlin: no youll just lurk in the chat and pretend youre offline

I lived bitch: You better fucking hide, Tim

Most Powerful Earthling: This chat is a mess

Most Powerful Earthling: Also Tim, don’t act like you and Kon aren’t sappy

coffee gremlin: oh no we are

coffee gremlin: but im not too much of a coward to admit it 

Dickiebird: tim stop antagonizing jay

Dickiebird: let him pretend hes not a sappy mess with roy and kori 

I lived bitch: I hate you all 

Dickiebird: mmhmm sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not be working on making a discord server for my fics :3


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee gremlin: god is dead and i killed them  
> murderbird: Okay, edgelord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

coffee gremlin: god is dead and i killed them

murderbird: Okay, edgelord

Dickiebird: skdvjbdlfhvbsdf

Dickiebird: who taught dami memes

I lived bitch: It wasn’t you?

Dickiebird: nope

Bat in law: :3

coffee gremlin: steph

coffee gremlin: what have you done

Bat in law: >:3c

Favorite child: good job

Bat in law: thanks babe <3

Bat in law: also tim you literally reenacted vines with him you dont get to complain 

coffee gremlin: yeah fair

murderbird: I believe the correct response is “valid”

Dickiebird: sljdvldfhbv

Bat in law: im so proud


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lived bitch: you are welcome -kori  
> Dickiebird: i would die for you  
> I lived bitch: i know :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

I lived bitch: [Image description: a picture of Jason sitting on a couch with Lian leaned against his side. They’re both asleep. End ID]

I lived bitch: you are welcome -kori

Dickiebird: i would die for you

I lived bitch: i know :)

Most Powerful Earthling: @Batdad new phone background

coffee gremlin: lmao

Batdad: Thank you, Kori

coffee gremlin: okay but that picture is actually adorable wtf

Dickiebird: lmao does that surprise you

coffee gremlin: ‘jason’ and ‘adorable’ are two words i rarely associate with each other 

Most Powerful Earthling: I don’t know, he made a pretty adorable Robin

Dickiebird: he was so tiny back then

Dickiebird: and cheerful

Most Powerful Earthling: “Being Robin gives me magic”

Dickiebird: lsjbvoldhfbv i forgot about that

Batdad: He was a sweet child, that's for sure 

Dickiebird: awwwww 

Favorite child: pictures?

Most Powerful Earthling: Gimme a sec

I lived bitch: Why did Kori have my phone?

coffee gremlin: oop

I lived bitch: … 

I lived bitch: You’re all dead except Tim

coffee gremlin: oh how the turntables 


	60. Chapter 60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> murderbird: My spine is hardly any of your business, Thomas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: Batdad  
> Dick: Dickiebird  
> Cass: Favorite child  
> Jason: I lived bitch  
> Steph: Bat in law  
> Tim: coffee gremlin  
> Duke: The day shift  
> Damian: murderbird  
> Wally: Redheaded stepchild  
> Barbara: Most Powerful Earthling

**This house is a fucking nightmare**

The day shift: hang on tim just said something about damian having a metal spine is that true

Dickiebird: oh yeah he got shot and paralyzed so talia replaced his entire fucking spine 

The day shift: what the fuck when did this happen

Dickiebird: uh back when i was batman

The day shift: no one in this family tells me anything

coffee gremlin: i literally  _ just _ told you

The day shift: no you mentioned it offhand like i was supposed to already know about it!!!

murderbird: My spine is hardly any of your business, Thomas

The day shift: as your sibling i thinks its absolutely my business 

The day shift: also literally everyone else knew

I lived bitch: I didn’t 

murderbird: How did you not know? It was your fault

The day shift:  _ what _

I lived bitch: In my defense I’m not the one who shot him 

I lived bitch: He and Dick were just too focused on me to notice the person with the gun 

Dickiebird: speaking of things that are tangentially jays fault that he apparently doesnt know about

coffee gremlin: someones salty

Dickiebird: there was a mind control device implanted in the spine that talia used to try and make dami kill me

I lived bitch: No, I think I did know about that

The day shift: see this is why everyone thinks im the normal one

The day shift: yall dont fucking tell me anything so im always reacting to the buckwild shit everyone else already heard 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a whole fic about the 'Damian has a metal spine' business, you can read it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26919892) if you want

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr @merc--ury (main) or @transrobins(batfam/dc)
> 
> Please comment or leave a kudos if you liked this


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